“Is your patch real?”
My eye patch is a conversation piece. Many people ask about it, a lot assume it’s either fake or temporary (it’s neither). “Do I need it?” some ask.
Some people reflexively yell “Yarrr!!” at the sight of me, like their ancestors evolved some pirate instinct that preserved their genes from pillaging while other, less impulsive genotypes fell by the cutlass.
The patch is complicated. I didn’t start wearing it until I was 16, about 10 years after the car accident that gave me my scars.
I’ll talk about the accident later. For now, a little before and after:
Before
After (Click to Enlarge)
People tell themselves they don’t judge based on appearance, but they are wrong.
Before the patch, I was the dude in the grocery store you stole glances at because his face was burned. I was the women with a fucked spine and bent limbs, making her way through the store on one of those motorized carts.
Those people, bless their hearts, are “victims.” The first thing you see is the scars. You might feel real empathy for them afterward and wonder how their life is, or whatever, but the very first thing that flies through your brain is “Whoa, what the fuck?“
That was me.
I put on the patch after a surgery when I was 16. I was a senior in high school and I had the surgery done during spring break, so I didn’t have time to heal before going back to school. The patch protected my face during the couple of months it was healing. At the end of the couple months, I was attached to it, so I just kept it.
At first I couldn’t quite put my finger on what had changed because it wasn’t an analytical decision. Even though I had never worn a patch before, and even though it was no longer medically necessary in the strict sense, I felt naked without it. I realized eventually that, as I said, the patch is complicated. That it was part psychology, part branding. Part for my benefit, and part for everyone elses’.
I am stuck with the scars, but the patch is my choice. The impression people form about me is more accurate when I wear the patch than when I don’t.
In putting the patch on, I went from “Whoa, what the fuck?” to “Why is that guy wearing an eye patch?”
Instead of “What’s wrong with his face?” it became “Is that patch for real?”
That time was really transformative for me. It was the first time I started getting serious attention from girls, the first time I became really “popular”. The patch is distinctive, memorable, some people think it’s sexy. Most of all the patch replaces that instinctual first impression of “victim” with just “interesting”.
I’ve told people this before and without fail, every single one swears up and down that they are different. That they wouldn’t judge me that way. They are wrong.
It’s precognitive. It happens in that primal moment when you feel something, before your front brain reflects on your feelings, before it filters the perception through your “I am a moral person” and “I am not prejudiced by appearances” filters.
I know that happens to you because it happens to me too. I know because the way people treated me before and after was like night and day. Teachers, peers, and total strangers, without exception.
It’s alright though, it’s not our fault. Of course it’s superficial bullshit, and of course it’s not ideal, but it’s what we have to work with. We can’t (yet) rewire our brains to correct bugs. The most we can do is own the bugs and compensate.
So the first step is really getting comfortable with the idea that you—yourself, not some hypothetical reader who isn’t you—make snap judgments. It’s okay, we all do it, even the burn victim at the grocery store. We feel bad about it. It violates our self image as rational, autonomous people to admit it, but the first step to solving a problem is to admit we have one.
Good. Now that that’s over, let’s learn what we can from the insight.
Insight One: In an ocean of sameness, difference will shine.
The common factor between me, face burn guy, spina bifida woman, and a guy with a gaudy handlebar mustache is that we’re all weird. You’ve never seen someone quite like us before. In the ocean of bland faces you see daily, we stick out like a neon orange buoy.
Just like you probably take a second look at unusually attractive or unusually ugly people, you also can’t help but steal a glance at the guy with the funny facial hair.
Insight Two: All differences are not created equal.
There is a categorical difference between spina bifida and a handlebar mustache. Between distorted facial features and an eye patch.
One is a burden, the other is a choice. One reflects a victim while the other reflects panache.
Some differences are precategorized in our brains as bad. Bad: not having a face. Good: being a black man with light blue eyes.
No matter what you look like, it’s a mask for whatever is going on inside of you. Whether you choose a mohawk or a bob, jeans or spandex, makeup or au naturale. I do not physically have the choice to fade into the ocean of sameness. What I can choose is the way I stand out. It’s all superficial; it’s all masks.
But now that we know we’re stuck with them, what do we choose to do about it?
I make the choice every day to eschew my victim mask, because I am not a victim on the inside, so I don’t want to evoke victimhood on the outside. Instead I make the choice to put on the unusual mask, my patch.
What choices to do you make about appearances? Do they reflect your inner reality?
Hey Pete,
I’ve never had anything as dramatic to compare to as your patch and scars, but I have noticed that even small differences in the way I dress and my body language makes a huge difference in the way people perceive me.
This is a little off topic, but I think you might enjoy it. One thing I did for a while as an experiment was intentionally invade people’s personal space (including my own). So if my default was to stand 4 feet away (I measured and this is about where it was), I intentionally moved that in about one half step (about 6-12 inches).
The results were surprising. I may not be a perfect judge as I was my own guinea pig, but it appeared that people started treating me with more respect and were a little intimidated by me. I theorize this is because even that small difference, the perceived size of the personal bubble I was wiling to respect, changed their attitude towards me. Perhaps I came across as more confident, I’m not really sure.
I did find though that *I* felt uncomfortable with it, so I imagine they also felt uncomfortable, and perhaps that discomfort, plus my feigning no discomfort is what led to different perceptions about our relative status.
.-= Sid Savara´s last blog ..How to Create Your Personal Development Plan =-.
Your experience isn’t unusual. I think everyone should try little experiments with fashion, presentation, and personal space.
What happens if you stand close to everyone, speak loudly, and wear bright orange?
Ha, of course they were intimidated! Six to twelve inches is way too close for casual conversation and is by no means a minor social cue.
Hi Pete,
It must take a lot of courage to discuss this stuff in detail on your blog. I find it all really inspiring. Keep up the great work.
.-= Bruno Miranda´s last blog ..New Letterpress Business Cards =-.
I’m just getting warmed up. Plenty more dirt where that came from! 8)
Yes, thanks for sharing. Eye patches are such a ubiquitous “costume piece” that we forget that they represent something with a real function. Nice post.
.-= Brad´s last blog ..Exodus to Virtual Worlds =-.
Too true–many people will crack a joke, then ask something like “So, are you in a play or something?” I try to let them down gently, but they normally slink away after a sheepish “oh…”
You’re absolutely right about everything in your post. How refreshing to meet someone who eschews the B.S. and who has learned to embrace the choices they have.
I love the comment about invading people’s personal space as an experiment. I noticed even growing up that a purposeful walk made people respect me more, which is useful in certain situations…. And you might get different results if you tried this experiment, but wearing higher heels = greater respect/intimidation in the workforce among women. :)
.-= Laura C´s last blog ..How To Write a Good Plot =-.
Interesting–when I wear high heels to work people just snicker. Go figure 8)
Do you have a favorite brand/model of patch? I wear patches produced by Pro-Optics of Palatine IL. They have a foam backing and are quite comfortable for long periods. I also find they sit on my face more naturally than any other I’ve found. I’d certainly be interested in learning of alternatives I haven’t tried!
I find that my feelings about patch-wearing largely overlap with yours. I futzed around with glass eyes for my entire childhood, so in addition I have a burning animosity toward the facial prosthetics industry.
I have mine custom made at a local tailor shop. We made one that is perfectly fitted to my face, and the plastic bases are all the same size. I normally use either black satin, or some other color, but I’ve found that thicker or “fuzzy” type materials tend not to work because they are irritating.
I liked your thoughts. I have some pretty weak patches. Where do you get the plastic that you use to construct your custom-fitted patch?
I get this plastic mesh material at the local craft store. It’s about an eighth of an inch thick, I don’t even know what it’s called, but it’s pretty stiff material, it can’t bend even though a little flexible.
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Wow, thanks for sharing! It’s great to see that you owned your identity and turned what some people would see as a crippling disadvantage, to an actual marketing advantage for you.
Rock on, Pete!
I think you’ll see this again and again: people who are “lucky” are actually just optimistic, and make the best of what they are given. It’s a powerful tool.
Why am I just now finding this website? On 4-20-07 I almost lost my left eye in a head on motorcycle accident, skull fractures and whatnot. People do look at you differently.
One of the things I have realized is that the world can do things to you, but its up to YOU as a person to DECIDE if and how you are going to let things effect you. Be Proactive not Reactive.
Totally, man. Good to see you!
Hey, thanks for going into such detail. I had a friend years ago whose boyfriend had a patch. It happened when fireworks exploded in his eye. Sad. He grew up as the patch guy, often people not believing it was real and spent much time proving it was real, as you explained. He also became known as the guy who had the state legislate to ban fireworks so it sucked on two levels.
You do make judgments when you notice difference, pain or suffering on the surface.
Where I live I see a lot of polio sufferers with twisted limbs pretty often. It’s horrendous. But I try to smile anyway. What the hell? Finding the courage to stare someone with a visible difference and show them that you’re accepting them is emotionally challenging, but worth trying.
On a whole other level, I also try the subliminal “copy me” game in body language to show attentive listening and it works, as does shifting posture and so on. Thanks for the post.
.-= Gayle Pescud´s last blog ..eXtradordinary People, Perception, Attitude and Change =-.
My wife does the same thing–she goes out of her way to smile at people that she thinks others normally avoid eye contact with. I don’t have enough experience from the other side to say whether it works or not, but your heart is in the right place!!
I salute you!
Interesting stuff.
I had a similar experience – I used to struggle with trichotillomania (hair pulling), until one day I decided to shave my head. To the skin. And I’m a woman.
It was empowering (and of course, a lot cooler; this was the middle of summer). I shaved it a few times until all the hair grew back evenly.
It’s long and full now.
I’m proud of you–bold solution to an unusual problem.
It’s funny. I actually wore an eye patch for a few months when I had a brain tumor and had three brain surgeries. The tumor was on the pineal gland, which controls the movements of my eyes. One of my eyes still doesn’t move so well 8 years later, and I can’t focus as well as the rest of the world and have considered at times putting the patch back on. But it would be the type where I would have to switch it from eye to eye so that I could strengthen both eye’s focus. I just find it interesting that you’re wearing it as a cranium accessory now and not for medical purposes.
Trend setter perhaps?
.-= Andrew´s last blog ..First Thing’s First: Reconnection =-.
[...] free themselves to make choices that work well. I don't know Angela. Have you read MyEyeIsOpen's account of his eye patch? Like he says, there are precognitive responses. Do you feel that you are personally an exception [...]
I just wanted to say I think the way you have approached this (your eye) is awesome.
Good for you!
Thanks Jinns, I appreciate the support. The real question is, are you inspired to make your life better somehow?
What about your head patch? Have you had also an skull operation or you wear a wig to match your idealized self?
Good question. The answer is a little complicated. One of the things my surgeon did over the 20 or so years he worked on me actively was pull my scalp together to slowly get rid of the skin graft that covered a lot of my head before. So by the time I was a teenager I actually had a full head of fairly normal-looking hair.
The thing is that people with head trauma lose their hair, and I was no exception. It began falling out when I was 15, and I had a bald spot and a significant widow’s peak (on one side) by the time I was about 19 or 20. That served me well as I interviewed for jobs that a kid 20 in his early 20s shouldn’t have 8)
Eventually, yes, you guessed it, I started wearing a wig. They are actually called “hair systems” these days, but a wig is basically what it was. The pictures you’ve seen of me have my hair system.
However, about a month ago I shaved my head completely bald, fully owning my scars. I’ll post about it sometime soon.
Talk about taking your power back. Good for you. Great post, Pete.
Laura-Jane´s last [type] ..Picking Our Wild Blueberries Finally
I would like to thank you for this article. I was really inspired by it and I would like to read more from you in the future.
You’re very welcome Mike!
Thanks for making me admit my own judgements
Have you thought about workshops in schools? You know to bring down prejudices with children? You could base whole workshop around something like that with renactments from the children .. questions and answers .. all kinds of stuff
Ps the patch is hot ;) but so are scars
I do want to do talks on this subject, but I hadn’t thought of doing it at schools, that’s not a bad idea. The thing is that it’s not a hot button, or commercial topic, so I may have to just sneak it into something else.
Also, if you like scars, you’ll love my new haircut. Stay tuned for that 8)
I have a book that I picked up a few years ago on making masks and using I guess you could callcreative meditations to make the mask an part of your identity or extension of yourself … so you could encorporate it into a drama/creative arts/storytelling type workshop .. where the children get to explore their own indentities a little? maybe using a play or something as a final goal … that way you dont have to focus on it so much as to do with scars etc but instead you could add it in as a moral element to it .. ie to respect yourself or as you say to own your self/scars
theres not enough of that kind of thing in schools these days and schools are crying out for this kind of thing .. social development .. you’ve just got to find the right path into it .. but you should defo do it
oh i’ll look out for the hair but then :)
Interesting idea, I’ll think about it. Thanks!
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Okay article. I just became aware of your blog and desired to say I have really enjoyed reading your opinions. Any way I’ll be subscribing in your feed and Lets hope you post again soon.
Hah, I’m glad the article met your expectations 8)
Wow, I was always wondering about the eye patch. I thought it may have been some way of saying your third eye was open or something, since your name is similar to that on the SP forums. It wasn’t until I listened to the Techzing interview and saw this post that I figured out what really happened.
I can relate to a certain extent. When I was a kid, the bones in my jaw grew weird, such that by the time I was a senior in high school, I could close my mouth and have my back teeth touch but really big gap was left in the front. It wasn’t an open bite or anything, it was due to my bones being all out of whack.
It affected my breathing and the shape of my face. I didn’t look that odd, but I certainly didn’t look fantastic. I had a surgery last May that fixed it, and I’ve gotten so much more positive attention since then, particularly from women, that I never got before.
It was pretty life changing, I should write a post about it actually. But wow, the story about your eye patch is moving. *applaud*
Fred Tracy´s last [type] ..You Are Important
I can sort of relate to what you are saying here. I had a malignant brain tumor that messed up my eyes to where they don’t focus as well, and also left me with a huge scar in the back of my head, not to mention early hair loss, although not completely yet. I had to wear an eye patch when I was going through radiation treatments, because the eye swelling was so bad I couldn’t focus. It’s a neat look, although I don’t done one anymore. I’d rather just let people see my bad eye along with my better eye.
Andrew´s last [type] ..Minimalism is the End of Organizing
Andrew, did you find that people treated you differently after your illness?
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