Epiphany: you can learn what to expect from people by finding out what they expect from people.
Everyone models other people as anomalous versions of themselves.
I once walked from the tower by the river where I used to work to get sushi with Brad, the guy who sat in the cube across from me picking his nose all day instead of writing software.
We passed a craggy-faced man who smelled like a rancid orange soaked in engine grease. He tried to start the conversation that normally goes: Hi guys, beautiful weather, how are you? Say, I love Jesus, and my puppy has leukemia, and by the way I need bus fare to get to Kuala Lumpur, so could you spare $20?
You know the kind.
But Brad stopped him with a clever zinger: “Hey, quit bugging us, and get a job lazy ass.”
He chortled and nudged me with his elbow I guess to underline how clever he had been.
“You’re an asshole,” I said. The sushi was good though, I had the deep fried kind that it would only occur to an american to eat.
Brad’s thought process went something like this: I, Brad, am a smart and virtuous person who works hard and contributes to society. In order to end up in the situation that rancid guy is in, I’d have to be profoundly lazy. Therefore, that man’s situation can be explained by him being lazy.
To Brad, the homeless man is nothing more than Brad + lazy. Himself + an anomaly.
Susie was the kind of girl who draws a guy in because of, not in spite of, the mental turmoil boiling beneath the surface of an earnest smile and batting eyelashes. Issues do nothing for me, but Dan was powerless against her wiles.
“I didn’t think you’d show up,” was one of the first things Susie said to Dan on their first date. They had spoken on the phone, gotten along, planned a date, confirmed the date, and he showed up at her place at the right time for the date, and that’s what she said to him.
Apparently a big fan of the color red, he galloped through a field of flags, and each time he and Susie would reach a new and higher milestone in their time together, it would be marked by the same thought.
I didn’t think you’d see me again.
I didn’t think you’d support me through my emotional time.
I didn’t think you’d propose to me.
I didn’t think you’d marry me.
I didn’t understand why Susie didn’t believe Dan would follow through on the things he said. Dan was a pretty stand up guy, and he’d never given Susie any reason to think otherwise.
But of course, the things people believe about and expect from others have very little to do with the others, and a whole lot to do with themselves.
Susie was always there for Dan. Unless she was busy.
Susie was always thoughtful toward Dan. Unless she was distracted.
Susie always showed up for planned events with friends. Unless she didn’t want to.
Susie stayed with Dan no matter what. Until she left him.
Dan was a wreck for a long time after that. He’d expected Susie to be true to her word because Dan is a guy who says what he means. Guys who say what they mean expect that others mean what they say as well.
Susie expected Dan to let her down at every turn because Susie’s mental model of other people is based on herself. To her, Dan was just Susie+penis. And Susie lets people down.
What happens if we learn to recognize the pathologies in others before we get hurt by them? People really do tell us what to expect from them if we’re paying attention.
On the other hand, what happens if we ourselves stop using a paleomammalian strategy to understand other people, and start being present to witness them as they actually are?
I don’t think I agree. Sure people have a tendency to project. But this is hardly a pattern which you can rely on. Most of the smart, self-aware people who you deal with will have recognized this signal and have expunged it from their behavior.
I completely agree that self-aware, conscious people don’t do it, but they are on the margins. This is a tool in the box, but it doesn’t work for everyone. Few do.
Wise epiphany, thanks. I’ve encountered that with being chronically ill (blood disorder, so invisible). People think I can do whatever they can do, and when I don’t I hear lectures about failure and stagnation, ambition and dedication. Like life isn’t hard enough without being hit over the head with The Fountainhead all the time.
Maybe this is why kids tend to be more empathetic. They know they are dependent and need reassurance.
That’s the thing Katya–people project themselves onto others and actually have no idea what’s happening with the other person.
The guy who you think is an asshole at Publix, his Dad just died. The flaky woman who is friendly one day and bitchy the next has undiagnosed blood sugar issues.
As an exercise in patience, when I meet someone whose behavior I might judge, I come up with a fictional story in my mind about why they did what they did that makes them into the sympathetic good guy. It’s a good method of cultivating empathy and forgiveness. (Careful with it though, don’t start using it to excuse habitual assholes!)
Great, Pete, thanks!
what a great tool for getting perspective on our patterns so we can potentially change them.
As always, you’ve got an original way of looking at the world, I so appreciate it.
Thanks a lot Cynthia! We should catch up soon!
This is a good tool. And like any other tool in a tool box, it works for many situations, though not all.
Great post.
Very true. When all you have is a pneumatic framing nailer, everything looks like your bosses’ forehead. Something like that 8)
You just explained the root of 99% of the mistakes I’ve made with people in my life.
This is useful. I’m spending some time thinking about what people in my life expect of the people around them, and that’s giving me some pretty good insight into how they see themselves.
Let me know what kind of results you get by using this method. It’s been powerful for me, but I’m curious how it works in the wild!
I totally agree..I have a friend who does not like to include me in things with her friends..she thinks I will lure them away for her..OMG ..everytime I invite her to join me and my friends she ALWAYS manages to get a number or email..to accumulate yet another one of my friends..crazy bitch. I finally dumped her..she was too high maintenance.